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Labasa Income Tax Demand Reply (1259 views)
This is alleged to be the actual text of a letter received by the Commissioner for Inland Revenue, from a Labasa Cane Farmer in reply to an income tax demand ...

Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and I pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't?

Well, here I give you my reasons:

In 1987 I purchased a Cane Farm on credit.

In 1988 I bought a tractor, a manure spreader, two bullocks, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten goats, also on credit from the Fiji Development Bank.

In 1989 the bloody farm shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of the bullocks went lame and I loaned the other one to my cousin brother who starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990 my father died and my cousin brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his goats named Vishala. Then, a kaiviti 'junglee' cane cutter from Gau got my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a thousand dollars to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the
Qawa River and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons. My other son in now a dam ghandu who is now wearing his sister's make-up, sari and salwaar kameez. He has immigrated to America with the new Pundit. They are now married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a Sardar from Seaqaqa and left me with newborn twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children's allowance from the Social Welfare Destitute Fund). I went to see the local witchdoctor (Fijian Daurairai). He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife sh*t the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the new farm shed, shot my best dairy cow and killed that kaiviti junglee cane cutter who was in the para-grass with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for the f****r's funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the daru and homemade rice wine and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time. This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase from Carpenters) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the rain from Cyclone Kina flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got VD from a visiting Sugar Cane Growers Council Member and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned mongoose I had put down as bait for wild dogs that were worrying the goats.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know
about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke ghee up a goat's hole with a red hot needle. I'm praying for a cloud of cat's sh*t to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit

Chandra Kant


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