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Air Samoa (2005 views)
Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Dis is your captain (Mr Tasilovisi) welcoming you on board..... I apologise if I cannot shee
you...can shee nothing from my cockpit anyway, light's not working.... but quick thinking on my part... I bring da torch!

We apologise for da delay in taking off, some minor problem, just replace da engine, new engine cannibalized from da aircraft dat decided to take da swim in south china shea...

Dis is flight 126 from Auckland to Apia. Landing in Apia ish not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in da region. And if luck ish on our shide, we may even be landing on your village!

You can have peace of mind dat dare will be no terrorism on Air Samoa. Standards are such dat even da terrorists are afraid to fly with us!

It ish with pleasure dat I announce dat starting dis year over 50 of our passengers have reached dare destination. For da ones dat don't quite make it, our staff have all da requisite experience for consoling da next-of-kin. For our not-so-religious passengers, we are da only airline who can help you find out if dare really is a God.

Our stewardess, Tala, will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If our engines are too noisy for you, please use the ear plugs made available free of charge. If they are too small we have wine bottle corks available, and yes also free of charge.

We regret to inform you, dat today's in-flight movie "Hands off my KFC" will not be shown, as we forgot to record it from da television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying alongside Air New Zealand, where dare movie will be visible from da right side of da cabin window.

We regret to advise dat smoking is prohibited on dis flight. Any smoke you see in da cabin is only da early warning system on da engines telling us to slow down. Life jackets are positioned under your seats and free lava lava's available for da ladies should swimming is necessary. It is likely dat you will need them later.

For lunch we will be serving cornbeef, rice and taro. Fizzy drinks will be available per cup, not 2 L bottles as we have a weight limitation. No doggy bags please as there will be no seconds. We have a special menu for gout and diabetes patients. Due to limited serving we can only provide these to 150 kg plus passengers who have da required medical certificates.

We ask those who wish to move around da plane to stretch dare legs and get circulation to take it in turns, with no more then 4-5 people walking on one side of da isle without counterbalancing with a few on da opposite isle. I appreciate your cooperation here.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belt. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to da arm of your seat. For those of you who don't have a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with our stewardess, Maggie, who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase. odarwise suka lu lah....

If I don't see you again, enjoy your flight with Air Samoa.

Thank you

 

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